Well it’s official. Today I am blogging.
Who knows if I will actually finish this post today or not? I intended to start writing at 8 am this morning and it is now 2:23 pm. #momlife
Today I started my morning with prayer, and it has completely changed the tone of my entire day. I think God was just reminding me how faithful He is. Anyway to catch most of you up, 2016 was a year of tremendous personal change and growth. I was working full time, taking graduate nursing classes, and trying to juggle my family with two energetic young foster boys.
Enter 2017… I found out in January that I was pregnant with our first child. This alone was a miracle. A reproductive endocrinologist had told us that we would be unable to have children on our own without IUI. My husband and I were thrilled, but I quickly found that keeping up with everything especially while being pregnant was going to be a challenge.
Honestly, I was mad. We had tried for years to get pregnant. Why now God? I had moved on. I had accepted that we probably wouldn’t have kids of our own. I had found a career I was passionate about. We had two beautiful boys that we were optimistic we would be able to adopt. I was getting ready to start my nurse practitioner clinicals. Why now God? Why now during literally one of the busiest seasons of my life?
I hated being pregnant. Then I felt guilty. I had prayed for this baby so many times. Why was I not filled with joy? I felt powerless, tired, and overwhelmed.
Motherhood terrified me. I was having a hard time bonding with my kids. I loved them, but I was so terrified that my own demons would ruin my children. After all when you choose to love something it always costs you. Would having this baby cost me my career or worse the dreams that I had placed all of my value and hope in?
Everyone has a god. It’s the thing that terrifies/motivates you more than anything in the world. Some gods hold more weight than others. My god was that I would accomplish nothing valuable while living on this planet.
God was making the executive decision that this god had to go, and I fought Him. HARD.
Three things I learned in 2017 that I would recommend to everyone:
- Learn about yourself: What makes you get out of bed in the morning? What’s your biggest fear? What do you believe about yourself? You can only help others if you are willing to explore and accept who you are.
- Find a counselor you trust who will provide you with an objective perspective on your life.
- Identify your god and decide is that who you actually want to serve with your life? (Money, power, influence, codependent relationships, children… We all have gods, but often we can’t see them because we are to busy letting them run our lives.)
I wallowed in self-pity and anger for a few months until finally I agreed with the decision God was telling me. I decided to quit my job and stay home. I was mad at first but by the end of spring I was so tired that I didn’t feel I had a better option.
August came and the kids went back to school. (At this point we had four foster kids… Another story for another time.) And I stayed home and waited for the baby to come…
And in that waiting God did something amazing. He showed me how to be still. He showed me how to trust him. My anxiety and depression were lifted. I had peace because I no longer had anything to prove. I’m valuable. And that value can never be taken away.
I sit here today watching my 4-month-old Tobias sleep peacefully beside me. I am so thankful for my children. God has rearranged my world in a beautiful way. Everyday I get to wake up and ask God for peace and strength. Peace for my sanity and strength to parent bravely and with love and passion.
I’m so excited for 2018,
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.