Rooted Mama Podcast

Episode 15: Overcoming Mom Guilt Part 2

Welcome to another episode of the Rooted Mama podcast.

If you are a stressed out, overwhelmed, busy mom struggling with parenting, this episode is definitely for you. If you are needing some extra support, make sure to check out my website shelbyleppin.com for additional resources.

Otherwise, let’s get into the episode. Today I’m going to do another episode on mom guilt. So when I launched this podcast back in 2022, I knew I wanted to help moms. However, at the time, I don’t think I had a clear vision for how I actually was going to do that. Now I know what I want to share and how I want to share it.

Cultivating Motherhood as a Skill [00:00:56]

One thing that I’ve learned, that I wish someone would have told me sooner, is that motherhood is a skill that you can learn. I think our culture really does all of us a disservice because the predominant belief is that you’re either a good mom or a bad mom. You either have the motherhood gene and you’re great or you don’t. And there’s not really a whole lot of in between. And I think that really disempowers a lot of people because they think, well, I don’t think I’m going to be good at this. So I just won’t be a parent at all. I’ll just bypass that.

When I was younger, I think that’s a primary reason I didn’t want to be a mom is because I didn’t think I’d actually be good at it. And so I truly believe that all of us start out as quote unquote, “bad moms.” All of us are beginners and we all have things we need to work on and learn how to do better.

I think that it’s important to recognize if you’re struggling, it’s okay. I think sometimes we equate performance with our own personal value. And I think we really need to differentiate those things. It’s really important for you to recognize that you are a unique and valuable individual. God made you and he has a purpose for you and a calling on your life. If you are a living, breathing human walking on this planet, you are valuable and your value has nothing to do with your performance.

If we apply this to our children, we’re not going to be able to do that. Obviously we want our children to succeed and do well and be happy and healthy. But if they aren’t, that doesn’t mean you love them less. It just means that you want what’s best for them. And so if you can set aside your value as a human and actually work on, okay, as a mom, here are the areas I’m struggling with. What do I need to do to get better? It’s much easier to tackle this topic holistically and practically.

And I think as a culture, a lot of times we, we shame moms and talk down to them if they’re having a hard time instead of encouraging them and mentoring them and teaching them, Hey, these are the things you need to do. And this is what you need to work on. And I think our individualistic society makes that harder because we don’t have communities and tribes of people that support one another and teach one another.

Motherhood as a Calling [00:03:14]

I truly believe that motherhood is a calling. I believe that it’s not just a calling, but actually a deeply spiritual calling. I don’t think, and this is an opinion I’ve had for a while, but kind of been a little nervous to share it because I think it may ruffle some feathers, but dealing with infertility for a long time really shifted my perspective on this. I don’t believe that having a child makes you a mom. I believe that every woman who has a child has the opportunity to step into that calling of motherhood, but not all of them do. And I believe, any woman who cares for a child, whether that be through foster care adoption, or maybe, maybe a grandmother caring for a child, I think they have the opportunity to step into that calling as well.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to do it. I believe that we are called to motherhood. I think when you view motherhood as a calling, it shifts your perspective on everything. No longer is the laundry and the chores and the, you know, the cooking just mundane tasks that have to be done. No, they are part of your calling that you are fulfilling to love your children and be their mother.

The Categories of Motherhood [00:04:45]

I’ve seen women have a variety of reactions to this calling. One reaction, this one isn’t super common, but it does happen. They have that calling, they experience it, and maybe they do it for a little while, but then they decide they don’t want to do it anymore and they leave.

My own grandmother did this. She had four kids. She was a mother of four, and she was a mother of four. And she was a mother of four. She was a mom for a few years. And then somewhere along the line, she just decided she didn’t want to do it anymore. And she left. And from that point on, her focus was all about herself. It was no longer on being a mother to her children anymore.

Second, some women, they maybe have their own children, and maybe it wasn’t planned or wasn’t what they had dreamed or envisioned. And so they do the job of motherhood, but they’re forever resentful and bitter towards their children. And they, they struggle to find joy and contentment in their situation because they feel like it’s not fair, and I didn’t choose this.

The third category of women that I see, and I think this one is probably the most common in my opinion, is they want to be moms. They love their kids, but they really struggle with the tasks and responsibilities of motherhood. And often they have their own emotional pain that really prevents them from stepping fully into their calling. And they’re kind of the characteristic like hot mess where they are working really hard and they’re trying their best, but they’re just chronically struggling. This is probably where I would categorize myself for probably, probably a good three-fourths of my motherhood experience.

The fourth category is a smaller category of women, but I do, I do want to talk about it because I think it, it matters. This is women who want to have children, but they’re just physically unable to. And so maybe they become moms through like adoption or foster care, but they struggle with chronically feeling like they’re not actually a mom and they don’t measure up. They, they are moms and they do measure up, but there’s kind of that underlying feeling of like, oh, because I wasn’t able to have my own children, does that disqualify me from being a mother?

And finally, you have a fifth category. And these are women who understand the importance of motherhood. They understand it’s a calling and they love their children. And they’re not just a mother,  work really hard to learn how to get really, really good at being a mom.

Now for each of those categories of women, there’s a different response that’s needed, but I really think if we’re going to talk about good mom versus bad mom, we need to be very clear about the metrics that we’re using in this discussion. I believe that to be a good mom, you really need to excel in four key areas.

I feel like you could debate whether or not there needs to be other categories, but in my experience, if you do well in these categories, you’ll be able to excel in these four. Most of the other stuff will work itself out.

How to Improve as a Mother [00:07:25]

So number one, you need to be consistent and organized. Consistency is huge for children.

Number two, you need to be able to manage your own home. Not do everything in your home, but you do need to be able to manage your own home and manage it well.

Number three, you need to be able to meet your child’s physical and emotional needs.

And number four, you need to manage your own emotions so you aren’t emotionally reactive and can be emotionally present with your children.

Children need consistency and they need a parent who’s available to them, not just to meet their physical needs, but their emotional needs as well. And so if you’re stuck in your own trauma and stuck dealing with your own issues, you’re not going to have the emotional bandwidth to be able to care for your children well. And it’s not because you aren’t trying or you don’t want to, it’s just we only have the mental capacity for so many things and you can’t do it all all the time. How does this apply to mom guilt? Well, I really think this is all interconnected because in order for you to feel like a good mom and actually be a good mom, you have to have a strong sense of this is what it means to be a mom, this is the calling, these are the qualifications, and this is what I need to do to step up and do this well.

And when you understand that, then I think it’s much easier to tackle the topic of mom guilt. I used to think that mom guilt was a terrible thing, but my perspective on it has dramatically shifted recently. I would divide mom guilt into two key categories.

The Categories of Mom Guilt [00:09:00]

The first category is mom guilt can be related to an intrusive thought. These are thoughts that are irrational and pop up seemingly out of nowhere. Often these thoughts are your brain’s attempt to sabotage you or cause anxiety, guilt, and shame, and it’s not really productive or useful. Thoughts like that, I think you need to be very clear on what they are when they happen so you don’t get sucked into them.

Because if you get sucked into them and you start going down that rabbit hole and start thinking about things, it’s often very difficult to get out of that. So you need to recognize it for what it is. This is an intrusive thought. This is not serving me or my family or anyone else. And you need to stop and walk away from that thought. And you might even physically have to say, stop. Like you are not wanted here. I am not going to think like that. Go away.

The second category I would put mom guilt into though is conviction. This is a lot different because I think for some circumstances, our brains are actually trying to tell us that we have some work to do. And what often can happen is you get sucked into guilt and shame and kind of that spiral of, oh, I’m a terrible person. I’ll never get this right. Blah, blah, blah.

Instead of being like, hmm, I handled that situation really poorly. Maybe this is something I actually need to work on and get better.  And instead of letting guilt and shame take over and kind of spiral, you right then and there decide, you know what? I’m going to apologize.

Maybe, you know, maybe you yelled at your kids in that moment, stop and go, you know what, kids, I shouldn’t have yelled. Will you forgive me? And you take ownership of it and you immediately work on changing the behavior. That is much more useful than sitting there, beating yourself up emotionally and feeling bad about yourself.

Avoiding the Spiral and Making Positive Steps [00:10:54]

And so I really believe in a lot of ways, mom guilt can actually become a catalyst for really powerful and effective change. The key is you can’t get sucked into that guilt and shame spiral. And you have to make sure you differentiate between, is this real or is this just my brain trying to sabotage me? Because in some instances, it could be your brain actually trying to help you and actually help you reach your potential and get better.

In other instances, though, it’s just your brain trying to make you feel bad about yourself. So one way I would differentiate between the two is when you have the thought, think, is this a productive thought? Is this something that I actually need to take action on? Or is this trying to just suck me into that guilt and shame spiral so I just feel bad all day? If you can check your thoughts and recognize that your reaction to them is more important than the thought itself, it’s much easier to be able to tackle the issue of mom guilt.

Equipped Mother Program [00:11:53]

I’m really excited to be able to talk to you today. I’m going to be talking to you today about a lot of things that I’ve been doing in the past. I’m really excited. I’m going to be opening a new program called Equipped Mother, and I am going to be offering a lot more resources specifically to help moms grow and improve in their motherhood journey.

And as someone who was a hot mess for a long time, I can tell you that these programs and these tools work. I am not a perfect mom, but my gosh, I have gotten so much better. And I love, I love being a mom. And I love seeing my kids grow and learn. I get to learn right along with them.

So if you are needing some help and some encouragement, send me an email at info@ shelbyleppin.com. I’d love to work with you. We can connect and talk about what you’re needing. And I can provide some suggestions on which program might be the best fit for you to get you the resources and tools and support that you need to really be your best at motherhood.

Thank you.

Link to discovery call calendar: https://calendly.com/shelbyleppin/30min

Link to equipped mother page: equippedmother.com