Rooted Mama Podcast

Episode 53: Friendship Struggles in Motherhood

 

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Transcription:

Hello friends, welcome to the Rooted Mama podcast. Today, we’re going to do an episode on friendship, and now let’s get into it. Making friends when you’re a mom can be extremely challenging, and so I wanted to do an episode specifically reviewing what a good friend is and how to incorporate and prioritize having friendships when you’re a mom, because I really do think there’s a unique set of challenges that come up when you’re in that season of life, and so I think some creativity is sometimes helpful when you’re kind of looking at your life and going, “You know what, I would really enjoy having some friendships,” and prioritizing that when you’re a mom can be challenging.

The Challenges of Friendship as a Mom

So first, let’s talk about the qualities of a good friend, because I think historically I have been the type of person that I really want to have a friend, and that has led to me being willing to kind of compromise my values of what I want to see in a friend and kind of let things go that I really should have seen the red flags that were right in front of me and kind of taking heed of those red flags, but instead what I tend to do is, because I want to have a friend, I kind of ignore those red flags and just gonna make excuses for the person and move forward, and so I think we need to be really clear on the qualities of a good friend, because it’s really important when you’re a mom that you guard and protect your energy—you only have so much energy and capacity to give—and so if you’re going to have a person in your life outside of your immediate family, you want to make sure you’re prioritizing someone who is a blessing and an equal to you, not someone that is going to continue to take all your energy and not be able to give back.

Defining the Qualities of a Good Friend

And I do think there are going to be relationships in our lives that we’re gonna be more one-sided, and that’s okay, but if your whole life is filled with people where the relationship is 80/20 or 90/10, you’re gonna be completely depleted as a person and not be able to show up for the people in your life, because as a mom, all of your kids are going to require maximum effort for you—you love your kids, yes, but they’re not going to be able to reciprocate and add to that relationship, nor do I necessarily think it’s reasonable to expect your kids to do that for you. We don’t want to be moms who are kind of in the headspace of codependency where we need our kids to fulfill us or satisfy us as adults—we really want to look at our lives and go, “Okay, how can I create meaningful relationships that help bless me and encourage me,” and part of that is selecting people who are actually dependable and trustworthy and can show up for you and have something to contribute to the relationship.
So what are the qualities that make a good friend? You need to have someone who’s trustworthy, you need to have someone who is able to regulate their own emotions—if you’re with someone who’s all over the map, that’s not going to be a blessing to you—you need to have someone who you can have meaningful conversations with. I think mutual interests are helpful as well, although I think that doesn’t necessarily have to be something you have in common, but I do think it’s helpful if you have something you both enjoy talking about other than maybe your children. Often, it’s kind of nice to find someone in a similar season of life as you are—for example, if you have to cancel last minute because your kid’s sick, another mom is not gonna fault you for that; they’re gonna be like, “Oh yes, I totally get it, my kid was sick too, not a big deal,” whereas if you are with someone who is in a different season of life than you, there’s just going to have to be a higher level of compassion and understanding on both parties, because you’re not going to be speaking the same language or having the same experiences. So you need to find someone who’s trustworthy, you need to find someone who is understanding, and I also think you need to find someone who’s not judgmental—and this is something I kind of let go of in the past, and it really just bit me in the butt—when I say judgmental, I don’t mean that you have to agree with the person on everything or have the same political beliefs or spiritual beliefs or philosophical beliefs; that’s not what I’m saying at all—what I’m saying is, if you are friends with a person who is judgmental and they spend all their time talking about other people and criticizing other people with other people and talking down about other people, they’re going to be doing that to you as well, and so recognizing, like, “I don’t want to be with someone who constantly puts other people down.” I think being really clear on what you want in a friend from the beginning is really helpful, because then as you get to know a person, if you see red flags that are concerning for you, you can take steps to have that friendship be in its proper place.

The Cost of One-Sided Friendships

Because I don’t necessarily think that all friendships have to be super, super intimate—like, most people don’t have time for gobs and gobs of friends—some are naturally going to be more extroverted, and they’re gonna enjoy having lots of people in their life, even if it’s more casual relationships in nature, and there’s not anything wrong with that if you have that type of energy and want to burn it on those things. I think for me, I personally would prefer to have a few close friends and be with people who we’re able to contribute to the relationship in a meaningful way—you really want it to be closer to kind of that 50/50 mark where both parties can equally contribute, and not to say that you’re going to be able to give a ton to that relationship all the time, but you definitely want to have seasons where you’re able to invest in that friendship in a meaningful way, and when you’re with someone who is in a healthy spot and can be a good friend to you, that relationship is just going to be a lot more meaningful and beneficial to both parties as well. I think it’s also important to recognize the cost of having bad friends—whether that be friends who give you bad advice or talk about you behind your back or judge you and criticize you—because those people really are going to take from you, and they’re not going to give anything, and I think it’s important to be aware of people’s character and their tendencies, and when they show you who they are, it’s often wise to believe them, and obviously we can work on communication and collaboration and compassion, but I think when it comes to selecting a friend, you really want to pick someone you align with in a lot of ways.

Finding Balance in Relationships

Historically, I found myself in a lot of friendships that were one-sided, where I would put a lot of energy into that relationship, but the person wouldn’t necessarily reciprocate, and again, that’s not bad for some of the relationships in your life, but if all that your friendships are like that, it’s going to be really hard to sustain yourself as a person, and I think partnership also plays a role in this, because if you’re with someone who can truly be your best friend and communicate with you and love on you and support you, that really changes the dynamic of what you need in a friendship as well. I think for Derek and I, our friendship has really grown over the years, and I’ve really come to value his wisdom and his insight and just all the wonderful things he brings to our family—Derek really is able to lead our family and lead me so well, and being able to trust him and his judgment really brings a lot of peace and comfort to me and our home in a way that’s kind of hard to describe, but I think in that process, because I’ve had him as such a solid person in my life, I think it’s actually gotten easier for me to be pickier about the friendships I have in my life, because, like I said, I think in the past I wanted to have a friend so badly that I was just willing to compromise and ignore any of the red flags I saw, and then later when the friendship fell apart, I was kind of heartbroken, because I put all this work and time and effort into this relationship, and then it didn’t go anywhere.

Navigating Friendship and Family

And so I think when you’re a mom, recognizing, “I only have this much energy to give—what do I want to use that energy for,” and maybe you’re in a season where you’re like, “You know what, I just need to focus on my kids and my partner right now,” and that’s okay, and I think at the end of the day, a true friend really will understand that and respect that and not take that personally. I think where I’ve gotten in trouble in the past is I don’t always communicate that to my friends, and sometimes I think that can be hurtful as well, because if you don’t communicate what you’re struggling with or what you’re going through to the people in your life, it’s hard for them to support you, and if that support just looks like compassion for knowing that you aren’t gonna be able to be there for them for a season or you might not have energy to reach out or spend time with them, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them and don’t care about them—it just means you’re in a tough season right now. I think it can be heartbreaking to lose a friendship, but I’ve learned that honestly there’s a lot of blessings in having people in your life who actually are cheering for you and support you and love you deeply, instead of having people who pretend to care about you but actually just want to take something from you—whether that be your wisdom, your emotional regulation, just your support, financially, physically, whatever it is—I really believe that we are called to be generous, but I also think that when you want to have a friend, it’s important to find someone who is actually in a position to pour into your life and not just take.

Knowing Your Limits as a Mom

As moms, it’s really important that we be clear on our values and also what we spend our time and energy on—you can’t have multiple number ones in your life; you really have to pick one, and your number one is always going to eat your number two, and recognizing that and understanding what that looks like energetically and practically is really important, because you’re only one person, and you only have so much time and energy in the day, so if you’re gonna spend it on 50 million things, those 50 million things are probably gonna be done poorly. So when it comes to friendships and picking people who can actually collaborate with us and meet us where we’re at, you really want to find someone who’s trustworthy, dependable, non-judgmental, and honest—and when I say honest, I really am talking more about they need to have a willingness to speak the truth and speak it in a loving way—I think that’s something that I actually really admire about my husband is that he has really grown in his ability to speak truth to me, but he does it in a very gentle and compassionate way, and sometimes it’s hard for me to hear that from him, and I know that he loves me, and he cares about me, and I know he’s gonna show up for me. I think having friends who are willing to speak the truth to you but will do it in a way that is loving and compassionate is one of the greatest gifts you could have as a person.

Closing Thoughts: Trusting in Good Friendships

Extended family can also complicate this friendship conversation a little bit—I think it is very healthy to have friendships with your family members; however, just because they are your family doesn’t entitle them to be a part of your life, and I think we’re kind of on a pendulum swing as a society where it’s like, for a long time, it’s like family’s everything, and that’s the most important thing, and now we’ve kind of pendulum-swung the other way where it’s like you might as well cut them all off and never talk to them again, especially if you have differences politically—it’s sacrilegious to spend time with someone who has different views than you—I don’t necessarily think that is a healthy response either, but I genuinely think family can be a huge support for you in the right circumstances. I think for me, I had to get to a place where I was healthier, and then I was in a good headspace to actually be friends with my family members and invest in those relationships, because I really do have a really neat family and a lot of people in my life who genuinely love me and care about me, and so for me, when I got to a place where I was in a healthier spot and I actually had some emotional energy to give, then I could really work on developing those relationships in a way that was really meaningful. And it’s kind of interesting—I have five younger siblings—you grow up, and you kind of have these memories and these experiences that you have together at the same time, but then you leave, and they continue growing, and it was really interesting for me, because it was kind of like I had to get to know my siblings all over again, because I knew them when they were little, but I didn’t necessarily know them as adults, because I didn’t have the emotional maturity to be able to keep that relationship as I was going into adulthood myself, and so I kind of had to restart and redo those relationships in a sense of, “Who are you now as a person? Let me get to know you, let me spend time with you,” and allow myself to experience them as an adult, and so it was kind of an interesting experience, and I’m really thankful for my siblings and my parents, because it was really a blessing to be able to have those relationships in my life, but it took some work to be able to repair those relationships and establish healthy boundaries and connections now that both parties are adults.
So I would encourage you—if you have relationships in your family that you want to maintain and that are valuable to you, do that—don’t feel like, “Oh, if we don’t agree on everything, I just have to cut them out of my life,” or “They don’t respect my boundaries in these regards, so I just need to cut all contact and not have any relationship with them.” Sometimes there’s seasons where that is the answer—sometimes there’s relationships that can’t make it through certain seasons of life; that happens—but I don’t want you to lose hope that it’s a lost cause, and you won’t ever be able to have good relationships with your family members as well, because I really do think siblings make really awesome friends when both parties are in a headspace where they can approach the relationship from a place of compassion, maturity, and that camaraderie as well. So in review, you want to find a friend who is trustworthy, dependable, non-judgmental, and honest—you want to recognize your own value as a person, you want to understand the limits of your emotional and energetic capacity and what you need in a friend and the type of friend that you want to be as well—if we expect those things from the people in our lives, we have to be able to show up as that type of person as well, and if you put in the work to show up and become that type of person, then I also think you need to trust that God is good, and He’s going to bring you friends in your life who can actually bless you and love you and invest in you as a person as well. Thank you for listening, friends—if you found this episode to be encouraging, I hope you will share it with a friend. I’ll talk to you in the next episode!

If you have any questions, feel free to reach out at info@shelbyleppin.com. Have a great day!