Rooted Mama Podcast

Episode 50: Understanding Identity and Building Confidence

Quick Links

Transcript

“Welcome to the Rooted Mama Podcast! Today, we’re going to talk about establishing a firm identity in motherhood. Now, let’s get into the episode.

Establishing a firm identity is one of the key components necessary for mental health and well-being. I think it’s something many of us struggle with but don’t always have the words for or the sense of, ‘This is what I need to work on, and this is what I need to see.’ Culturally, I think there are a lot of things that make this struggle harder. I want to flesh it out: What does it mean to have an identity? How do we establish one? How do we view ourselves? How do we view the world? Let’s lay it all out there.

Defining Identity

To start, let’s look at what identity actually means. At its core, identity is how you view yourself. It defines your self-worth, who you are as a person, your value, and how you see yourself in comparison to other people and the world around you. For moms, I think there are a lot of factors that push us toward having an unhealthy identity. I want to talk about those today because we need to address them head-on if we want to build an identity that’s solid and won’t change based on things we can’t control. Whenever you build your identity on something you can’t control, you’re always going to run into problems. At the end of the day, you can’t control circumstances, outcomes, or people’s reactions—those things are out of your hands. If you build your house on sand that’s always moving and shifting, you’re going to be anxious, depressed, uncertain, and lack confidence in who you are. So, we need to get really clear on what’s necessary to build that foundational identity and what that looks like in real life.

The Cultural Pressure on Moms

Let me give you an example. Often in our culture, we blame parents for the outcome of their child, up to a certain point. I think this is hard because parents are the biggest influence on their kids when they’re growing up. Your environment plays a big role in how you grow, learn, and make choices, so some of that blame is fair. But it’s challenging because even if parents do their best, their best might not be good enough or might not meet what that child needs. Having this mindset of, ‘Oh, just blame the parents for everything,’ isn’t really productive for anyone. There needs to be a sense of ownership for the individual, but you also can’t discount the role those early inputs play in a person’s life—especially between ages 0 and 5. That really sets the foundation for how a child will view and respond to the world.

So, what does this have to do with moms and building their identity? I think recognizing the responsibility moms have is something we need to wrestle with as a culture. We should see it as a big responsibility that requires caution and care. Anyone can give birth and have a child, but not everyone is equipped to be a parent or a mother. That being said, if you’re struggling with parenting, I don’t think that’s a reason to spiral into guilt and shame, like, ‘Oh, I’m a terrible person, there’s no point.’ No—there will definitely be some learning on the fly and growth that needs to happen. But if our culture committed to valuing motherhood and holding it in high regard, I think that would help women pivot into this role in a much better way.

Our culture simultaneously does two contradictory things: it blames parents for everything that goes wrong in a kid’s life, but it also puts a lot of pressure on women to define their worth by what they achieve—whether that’s a career, financial success, or other social constructs. You really can’t do both. You can’t give 110% to your career and still give 110% to your family. You’re going to have to choose which one is your priority and accept the consequences of that choice. When we constantly build our identity on accomplishments, what we achieve, or outcomes we can’t control, that’s always going to lead to problems long-term.

On the flip side, some women make their identity the success of their children. This one is really easy to fall into because you love, you sacrifice, you put in all this work, and it often goes unnoticed—unless there’s a problem. If your kid falls apart or has issues, then it’s your fault. But there’s not really a sense of, ‘Oh, I did this, so I’m successful,’ because that would diminish the individual’s accomplishments. It’s a catch-22 where you can’t win either way. That’s why it’s so important for moms to get really clear, as soon as possible, on: What are my values? What do I want to accomplish by doing this? Who am I, and what do I bring to the table? How am I going to move forward with this struggle?

Personal Journey with Motherhood

For me, early on, I wrestled with the idea of being a mom. I was very anxious about it because I worried I’d be terrible at it—and guess what? At the beginning, I really was. Motherhood isn’t something you can fully study for or learn ahead of time. I’d argue that working through your own trauma and learning to emotionally regulate is probably the number one way to help yourself as a parent long-term. But some things won’t come up until you’re in the trenches of motherhood. You can’t work through everything in advance, and you’re not going to be perfect. However, if you go into it with the mindset of, ‘I’m going to take personal responsibility for my actions and work hard to show up as my best,’ that can really set you up for success long-term.

We have to be clear about what it means to ‘show up as your best,’ though. Often, we think the best is, ‘Oh, my kid goes to college, gets a good job, and is successful—that’s my best.’ But you can’t control whether your kid goes to college or is successful. You can influence it, but you don’t want your success tied to someone else’s. So, we need to get clear on how we measure our own success and what that has to do with our identity as women and mothers.

Building an Identity Compass

When establishing an identity, we have to clarify the type of person we want to be. This is challenging because, as we’ve discussed in previous episodes, the brain works hard to blind us and keep us from accurately evaluating our actions and who we are. When you sit down and say, ‘OK, this is the type of person I want to be,’ you need people in your life you trust to give you honest feedback about who you actually are. This requires a unique individual because seeing your own flaws means peeking behind the curtain and recognizing how your brain sets you up.

Think of identity as a compass—it’s what we’re striving for, what we’re aiming for. It’s not about doing it perfectly or hitting it every time, but rather: Who do I want to be, and what do I need to do to show up as that person? Personally, this has helped me immensely in my clinical practice. If I measured my success as a clinician based on how well my patients are doing, I’d be a mess all the time. So, I had to get clear early on: What’s my job? What are the boundaries of that job? What do I need to take responsibility for, and what do I need to make sure the other person knows they’re responsible for?

When I selected my compass, I picked key values: This is who I want to be, and this is what I want to embody. As long as I’m striving for this, I can feel good about my day and successful as a human being. You can pick a few of these if you want—I chose three because, honestly, the human brain can only focus on so many things at once. The three values for my compass were: authentic, generous, and merciful. I’m not always those things, I’ll be honest, but if I’m striving toward them in every area of my life, I know I’m making progress toward being the person I want to be. I can measure my success based on how I showed up in those situations. It’s also important to receive feedback from people around you to see if you’re actually implementing those things. To start, having clearly defined metrics is crucial to building a solid identity. Everything can be falling apart around you, but as long as you’re choosing to walk out that identity, you can still feel confident that you’re being the person you want to be and giving it your all.

In motherhood, that’s really important because if we want to change and do better, we need tools to help us get there. I’m not a naturally merciful person, but when I went through the BREAK Method, I learned things that helped me start being more merciful—helped me forgive, have compassion, and see things from others’ perspectives in ways I hadn’t before. When you’re in a headspace where you feel safe enough to receive feedback, it takes the blinders off. You can see: This is who I am, this is how I’m behaving, and this is who I want to be instead.

Shifting Success Measurements

As women and moms, when we get clear on our objectives and goals as mothers, it shifts everything. When you establish your personal identity and stop measuring your success by external things—like how well your kids are doing or their successes and failures—it changes your perspective. We see this a lot with sports, where parents live vicariously through their child. If the child succeeds, they’re a good parent. No—your child is their own person, and they get credit for their successes and failures. Obviously, as a parent, you play a big role, but getting clear on what’s important to you as a parent and what you want for your children is equally vital. This ties into our identity piece because we need consistent measurements for how we gauge our success as parents.

Having clear expectations for your children is also really important. For my kids, I want them to get A’s, B’s, and C’s in school. If they get lower than that, there’s typically a consequence. That might not be every parent’s value, but I decided early on that school was going to be important for my kids, so it’s something they’ll work on. That being said, we make sure they have help—whether from a teacher, a tutor, myself, or my husband. We want to support them in reaching those goals because not all of them will thrive in school or love it, and that’s OK. But getting an education is important. That said, we’re not going to force our children to go to college—I don’t know that anyone can actually force their kids to do that. For some parents, it’s a big defining thing, like, ‘If you go to college, that’ll set you up for life.’ I don’t necessarily think that’s true. Skills are really important for life, and graduating high school and passing those classes matters, but long-term, there are plenty of people without college degrees who are incredibly successful and well-off financially. That’s not something we necessarily value.

Another value I have is peace in my home. I don’t want my kids to be mean to each other or bully each other. If they do, I’ll address it—it’s not OK to bully or be mean to others. Does that mean they’ll never be mean to one another? No. But I want our home to be a space where they feel safe, loved, and connected to the people around them. I work to create that environment. Does it happen perfectly? No, but it’s still really important to me as a parent.

Another thing I value is spending time with my kids. I want good relationships with them, so I make a point to spend time with them. That can be challenging—there are six of them—but I still prioritize it. What can I do to connect with each child? How can I spend meaningful time with them in ways that matter to them? If you’ve heard of the five love languages, this can be helpful because we all give and receive love differently. If you know, ‘This child enjoys these things,’ doing that with them can help you connect and grow closer.

It’s easy to compare yourself to others and feel like, ‘I’m not good enough; I don’t measure up.’ But when you’re clear on your identity and who you are as an individual—and clear on what success looks like for your kids, like, ‘I want to raise loving, compassionate, responsible human beings’—that’s helpful. Do you ultimately decide what character your child develops or who they’ll be? No, you don’t. But as a parent, you can clarify the goal and how you’ll work toward it. Will you get it right 100% of the time? No. At the end of the day, our children are independent humans who’ll make their own choices. But as parents, we can be influential in helping them grow and become better humans than we are. If we set our sights on that, it’s so much easier to be content in motherhood, enjoy it, and feel good about the progress you’re making.

Embracing your Unique Gifts as a Mom

When I do the episodes on temperament, I’ll flesh this out more, but there’s something to be said about recognizing that your gifts and talents as a mom won’t be the same as everyone else’s. A few years ago, I had a pivotal moment. I had this awesome friend who’s a great mom and a teacher. She thrives in that area and blesses her kids with cool activities and teacher-type things that are amazing for her and her kids. I felt bad because I’m not good at that stuff. I thought, ‘Oh, I must be a terrible mom.’ Then I had this thought: ‘You don’t like that stuff.’ It sounds silly, but there’s something to be said about how, as a mom, you bring your own gifts, talents, and passions to motherhood. Instead of comparing yourself to someone else and feeling bad, why not embrace the things you’re good at in motherhood? You might excel at cooking, activities, or adventures. When we talk about temperaments, I’ll dive deeper, but I truly believe that if you embrace the calling and purpose of motherhood—recognizing, ‘I’ve been entrusted with these little humans, and I want to show them the best of me’—and lean into your gifts, it’ll bring so much more joy to your experience. You’ll stop forcing yourself to be something you’re not and be who you genuinely are. That joy will translate into how your kids experience you, and it makes a big difference in day-to-day life.

Think about it: If you’re miserable as a mom, won’t your kids pick up on that? No one wants to be a burden or feel annoying. Being able to self-regulate, work through your triggers, stay present as a parent, and enjoy the little things that make your kids unique and awesome—everyone thrives and does so much better. Every interaction with every kid won’t be the same, and your relationships won’t be identical—that’s OK. You can still have good relationships with each child, appreciating what makes them tick and what makes them unique, especially if you’re in a healthy space yourself. That opens up the capacity to work on yourself and your identity.

In summary, when we compare ourselves to others or measure our success by things we can’t control—like outcomes, circumstances, or situations—we’re always going to end up miserable. Your foundation, your sense of self-worth, will be built on something you can’t control or even adequately measure, if I’m being honest. It’s really important to establish a clear identity for yourself as a human being and as a mom, and to have a clear sense of: How do I measure my success for my kids and myself as a parent? What’s important to me? What do I value, and how do I implement that in daily life?

We’ve created a handout for this episode, which you can download at shelbyleppin.com in the episode show notes. We’ll link it in the description below as well. If you’re struggling as a mom and want additional support, check out equippedmother.com for more resources.

Resources:

 If you have any questions, feel free to reach out at info@shelbyleppin.com. Have a great day!