Rooted Mama Podcast
Episode 47: Boundaries in Motherhood
Table of Contents
– 00:00 Defining Boundaries in Motherhood
– 04:20 Energy Management
– 07:45 Expressing Needs
– 11:45 Balancing Self-Care
– 17:00 Set the Boundaries
Transcription
Hello, friends!
Welcome to the Rooted Mama Podcast.
Today, we’re going to talk about boundaries and motherhood. Now, let’s get into the episode. The practical definition of a boundary is something like a line, a fence, a division, something that marks the limits of an area, or something that indicates a limit or the extent of how far something goes. That’s the dictionary definition of a boundary.
Defining Boundaries in Motherhood
On an emotional level, there is a practical definition of what a boundary is that I think is really important for us to understand, especially in motherhood. Boundaries really define who we are as people and also the extent of what our responsibility is. I think, really, at the end of the day, if the world was full of people who could take care of just themselves, I think the world would be a profoundly better place. I would argue that the majority of people walking around living on planet Earth really struggle to know how to take care of themselves. Maybe they do okay in certain areas of their life, like maybe they do well in their career, but they really struggle with their emotions. Or they do well in friendships, but they really struggle with other interpersonal relationships. So, understanding what a boundary is and how to apply it practically is a really critical component of motherhood.
As moms and as parents in general, we are responsible not only for ourselves but for our children as well. If you don’t understand what boundaries are and how they work, you can really handicap your child and prevent them from growing and being successful as adults. Ultimately, our job is to take care of ourselves in all areas of our life, not just physically or financially. We need to take care of ourselves emotionally and spiritually, and the whole thing, because ultimately our goal is to teach our children how to do that as well. If you’re struggling to take care of yourself as a human being, that’s going to bleed into your parenting. Additionally, if you don’t have and enforce boundaries with your children, in a lot of ways they will be harmed by that. Think of it this way: if you have no boundaries in your home and one child is allowed to hit another when they’re angry, is that an appropriate boundary? No. The children in the home need to know, “I am an autonomous human, and I have boundaries, and I’m allowed to have that in my life, and that’s okay.” Someone’s not allowed to just hit me and there not be consequences. I’m not allowed to hit others and there not be consequences.
When you have healthy boundaries that are communicated and clearly enforced in your home, you’re going to have a lot more peace in your home, and you’re going to have a lot more peace just as an individual as well. I think motherhood is where this really gets tested because you have so much more on your plate. In a lot of ways, you’re not just responsible for yourself. There’s also limits to that as well because if you take it too far and you don’t have boundaries with your children, that really models for them poor behavior. It models for them how to do it incorrectly and sets them up for failure as well.
So, there really is this fine line of how we take care of ourselves and take care of our kids while also having healthy boundaries in that process. That’s what I want to talk about today. I’m going to talk about a couple of different areas that I think a lot of moms struggle with boundaries, and then I’m going to give you some practical ideas for kind of evaluating how am I doing with the boundaries in my life and which direction do I tend to go. A lot of people will kind of sway one way or the other. On one side of the spectrum, maybe you’re more of a people pleaser, you struggle with boundaries, you tend to take on more than you should, things like that. Then you have the other end of the spectrum where your boundaries are almost too rigid and inflexible, and you struggle to collaborate and work with others and allow for that interpersonal dynamic to take place.
Energy Management
So, one of the areas that I think is really important for moms when it comes to boundaries is energy management. In our homes, we have a lot of things we need to do and accomplish just to take care of our home, ourselves, and our kids. I think a lot of moms take on more than they should and say yes to more things than they should, not counting the cost of what that’s going to bring to their home in terms of just being tired and running around all day like a chicken with its head cut off.
I’m a big fan of having systems in place to help you manage your energy because I think a system where multiple parties in the household are doing chores, contributing, and helping with meal prep or cleaning really helps the mom not have to expend all her energy on household tasks. Sometimes that may involve hiring outside help. I think if both parents work full-time, you’re going to need outside help to make your household run smoothly, whether that be with childcare, cleaning, meal prep, or whatever it is. If both parties are working, you’re just going to have to take a hard look at who’s doing what in the house and what things are we giving up, so we have time for the things that matter to us. I also think it’s important to recognize that having your kids in 20 million different activities is not beneficial for everyone.
For some families, that’s what they value and build their life around, and that works for them. But I would argue long-term, if we want our kids to be healthy and well-rounded, we need to pick one or two things for our kids to do and then be okay with saying no to the rest of it. For me, I have six kids, so I have to be really intentional about limiting how many things my kids do because if each kid does two things, that’s 12 different things we have to juggle in our week, and that’s not necessarily reasonable. That being said, sometimes we’ll go into certain seasons and be like, “Okay, Landon wants to do basketball right now, so this season’s going to be a little busier because he has basketball from December to March,” and I’ve decided that that’s okay and that aligns with our family goals. So, not saying you can’t ever take on more, but I think being intentional about how much time this is going to take and how it is going to affect not just the child but the whole family as well.
I also believe that for kids, they need downtime. They need time to be bored, to be outside and explore, to be home and self-regulate, and not just be go-go all the time. Most look at this like it’s a budget. We want to make a budget for our finances; I think we also need to do a budget for our energy every month. As moms, we really need to look at where am I spending my time and energy, and is that going to things that are important to me and that I value? If they are, great, that’s awesome. But at the end of the day, are you fatigued, exhausted, struggling to keep up? If you are putting out more energy than what you actually have, that’s going to be detrimental to all parties because you need to be able to show up for yourself and your kids in all aspects of your life. If you can’t do that, it’s time to say no and are as a person on some things.
Expressing Needs
The next area with boundaries that I think a lot of moms struggle with is just, frankly, expressing their needs. A lot of people will have the pattern where they have things in their mind that they want or they expect, but they do a horrendous job of communicating that to the people around them. I am guilty of this for sure. I will have expectations in my head but not necessarily clearly communicate them to my husband, my kids, or the other people in my life.
So, I really had to grow in that area and take some personal responsibility and be like, “No, I’m responsible for communicating what I’m wanting, and I need to do it clearly.” I also need to recognize that if I need something, it’s my job to speak up for myself and ask for help and ask for what I need. We want to do that in a way that’s not codependent. It’s not someone else’s job to take care of you; it is your job to take care of you. But if you need help, you need to be able to ask for what you need and be clear and specific. I think this comes back to kind of looking at how much energy you’re expending. I think there’s also something to be said about certain seasons of motherhood where your energy tank, your gas tank, is just going to be low.
Like in the newborn phase, you’re not going to have gobs and gobs of energy. So, being okay with just saying no to extra things that don’t help you and don’t support you for a season is okay. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be that way forever, but I think really recognizing what you need is really important, especially when it comes to maybe having a break or doing something you enjoy. Those things are essential to be able to not just survive motherhood but actually enjoy it and find fulfillment in it as well. I have found in my personal experience that I have to take personal responsibility. It’s my job to ask for what I need and do it in a way that sets the other person up to be able to meet my need. It can’t be vague or unclear or brought up in passing.
I have to plan ahead and think ahead and really work to implement that help and that assistance. I’m really blessed that I have really fantastic support. My mom is wonderful, and my mother-in-law is wonderful, and so both of them have been a huge help in my life when I’ve needed help watching my children, and that’s really cool. I know not everyone has that as an option, so if you don’t, look around and kind of be like, “Okay, who can I depend on to help me in this situation?” Maybe it’s a friend, maybe it’s a cousin, maybe it’s a grandparent, maybe it’s your spouse. Whoever it is, be willing to ask for help and not feel guilty about that, but also be appreciative as well.
So, those two kind of tie together: expressing your needs and then being willing to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak and worthless and can’t get your stuff together. It’s a necessary part of thriving in motherhood. If you struggle to ask for help and feel like you need to do it all, it might be good to have someone in your life who can just call you out on that. This was me 20 years ago. There was one point after I had Hannah—I think I’ve told this story on the podcast before—so I have six kids, and I had my youngest, and I was still trying to do all the things. My husband looked at me and went, “Shelby, the kids are capable of helping. They’re going to help.” I was not happy about it at all because I still wanted to do it all, but I physically couldn’t. My husband was wonderful, and he helped set up a system to have the kids doing chores, and that was a big pivoting point for our family. It’s been really good for the kids, and it’s been really good for me to not try to do everything all the time.
Balancing Self-Care
So, identify and kind of recognize these are the pain points I struggle with, and having someone in your life who can help point that out and lovingly but firmly be like, “Hey, this is probably where you need to work on things,” is a huge blessing to have. Another thing I’ve noticed in working with different clients and also some self-observations, I would say as well, is that certain brain patterns really struggle with this tendency to overperform and kind of lean into perfectionism because they tend to seek validation from their accomplishments or their achievements or checking off their to-do list day-to-day. I would argue that these moms are going to really struggle with this concept of doing less and saying no because essentially it threatens that sense of identity of like, “If I can’t do it all, then that means I’m a bad mom, and that means I’m failing.” So, I think with moms who struggle with that, burnout is a lot more likely.
When you kind of get to that inevitable point, your sense of self has to be restructured because you’re placing your identity, your worth, and your value into an external thing. Whenever we base our identity on things we can’t control, we always set ourselves up to fail. I think for me, this really pivoted probably around COVID. 2020 was a really hard year, but in a lot of ways, I think it was a year of growth for a lot of us because it really forced us to look at some things and start to do some things differently as well. So, recognizing if you’re constantly spinning your wheels and doing all the things, I think the question to ask is, “Why am I doing all those things? Do I feel like I have to do all those things to be a good mom? Do I feel like if I don’t, my kids are going to suffer? Do I feel like I’m going to let people down?” What is the reasoning behind doing all the things and really getting clear on what is important to me? What do I want to spend my time on? Is this good for me, my kids, my partner, and everyone involved in the family? I think as moms, recognizing our worth and our value comes from who we are as a person and our presence.
Our worth and our value don’t come from our performance; they come from who we are as a person. Your individual value as a person doesn’t change; it doesn’t fluctuate. So, when you get really clear on that, then your sense of self isn’t threatened if you then shift what you’re spending your time on and what you’re doing. I personally am kind of a homebody, and I really enjoy being at home, and that’s not necessarily what all my kids enjoy. So, I think recognizing that sometimes I need to step out of my pattern and do more activities, and we have seasons where my kids are more active because I know they enjoy that. But then also having seasons where we’re at home and can rest is also important as well. I tend to have like a 50/50 split. I think half my kids would just be happy if we ran and did all the things all the time, and then the other half are just truly, genuinely happy at home, chilling, doing their own thing.
So, I think having a balance of both is really helpful, and you’ll need to look at your family dynamic as well. There are some moms out there who, frankly, are just energizer bunnies and can go, go, go, and they enjoy that, and that’s fun for them, and that fills them up. I want to do a series on the different temperaments and personality types in the future because I think this adds another layer to this conversation of how to have individual boundaries that work for you and your family and recognizing that that’s not going to be the same for everyone. That’s not bad; that’s actually a good thing because we all have different needs, wants, values, and desires.
So, how do we live by those values while taking care of ourselves and our kids as well? Another area that I think a lot of people struggle with is just caring for themselves. As I talked about before at the beginning, I think our world would just be a much better place if every individual person could just simply take care of themselves. I think culturally we’re working on this, but I would say the skills that most people struggle with are emotional regulation and communication and learning how to just live day-to-day in a sustainable way. Recognizing that if you have to work on those areas, you’re in the majority. A lot of people really struggle with those areas, but that being said, it’s still our personal responsibility to be able to do that. So, at home, you being able to regulate your emotions and take care of yourself and not fly off the handle and have mood swings is a critical component of having peace and joy in your home and also for the well-being of your children as well. So, if you are able to learn how to do that, that’s going to be one of the things you can do that’s going to have the biggest payoff for you and your family.
Set the Boundaries
Boundaries are a big component of that because whether you need to seek outside help to learn how to do those things or you know how to do those things, you just need to have the time, energy, and capacity to be able to implement that. Boundaries are a huge component of making sure you’re actually taking care of yourself. So, what do we do if someone routinely crosses our boundaries or doesn’t respect our boundaries? I think this is important because just as having boundaries is vital, recognizing how to articulate those boundaries and enforce those boundaries is equally as valuable. Children, by nature, are curious, and they’re going to push boundaries and push limits. That is normal. That doesn’t mean that they don’t need the boundaries, though.
I think sometimes it’s like, “Oh, we don’t want to make them upset,” or “Oh, we don’t want to hurt their feelings.” It’s like, no, they’re children. They’re going to push the limits, and they’re going to be upset by the limits at times, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t need the limits to thrive.
As moms, we can’t be surprised when children push the limits and push boundaries, but I think we need to be clear with our children about what happens when they disobey and what happens when they cross this boundary. If, for example, they hit one of their siblings, there needs to be a consequence for that. They need to understand that they are their own person, and they have needs, wants, and desires, and boundaries help honor those things as well. I think sometimes it’s hard to know how to enforce boundaries, especially if you’ve been kind of wishy-washy with it in the past. I think some key components of enforcing your boundaries are keeping your word. So, if you’re one to threaten or exaggerate or kind of lose your cool, this will be a struggle for you because you need to make sure that you’re not flying off the handle and saying things that are over the top or ridiculous. You need to be very intentional about the words you say because if you say something, you need to mean it, and you need to enforce it. Again, that’s where I think when we communicate our boundaries and we do so clearly, that’s really helpful. So, maybe if someone is continually violating that boundary after you’ve clearly expressed it and clearly provided that consequence, maybe that’s a situation where you only visit in certain scenarios or situations, and you don’t routinely have that person in your life if they’re not going to respect the rules that you have set forth.
Boundaries are essential to be able to thrive in motherhood. They allow us to do more of what we love, and they allow us to take care of ourselves as well as the people around us. By having boundaries for yourself and your children, you’re really going to be able to bless the people around you, and this is going to lead you to be able to thrive in motherhood. So, in summary, boundaries are essential for us to be able to thrive in motherhood. Some areas that require a lot of work and focus with boundaries are your energy management, expressing your needs, asking for help, doing too much or overperforming, caring for ourselves, and managing expectations. If you, as a mom, can learn how to have boundaries in these areas, it will really allow you to thrive and truly enjoy motherhood.
I think I want to do a follow-up episode on this one about identity, so look out for that episode in the future. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out at info@shelbyleppin.com. Have a great day!